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| Name: Ryan Roe Email: prawnrr-rmv@this.com-yahoo.com Position: Movie / Television / Comic Book / Trivia Geek View Ryan's Personal Profile |
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| Well, this is just great. As if we didn’t have enough troubles, such as ants getting into the chocolate cake we only left on the counter for five frickin’ minutes, now we have another thing to worry about. The Swedish Academy says they won’t announce the winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature until October 13. All the other awards will be given out by the 10th, but we’ll just have to wait to find out who wins the literature prize. Like the rest of you, I climbed to the top of my refrigerator and hooted vigorously when the academy announced that Americans Robert H. Grubbs and Richard R. Schrock and France’s Yves Chauvin would share the prize for chemistry. It’s quite possibly the best thing to happen to French-American relations since March of the Penguins. Meanwhile, Australians Barry J. Marshall and J. Robin Warren won the prize for Physiology or Medicine for their discovery of the bacterium Helicobacter pylori and its role in gastritis and peptic ulcer disease. (Have you heard the new Helicobacter CD? It’s got some great bass, man.) I’m not sure whether the pair’s discovery would be considered “Physiology” or “Medicine,” but why is there a single award for both categories? “Physiology OR Medicine.” Imagine being Dr. Scientist X, and you come up with some amazing breakthrough in the field of Physiology, and you’re so sure you’re going to win the Nobel prize for Physiology or Medicine, and at last you’ll be able to buy that widescreen TV you’ve been wanting so you can watch Hogan Knows Best in high-definition, but then Dr. Scientist Y, that loser, that hack, comes up with some overrated Medicine discovery and wins the award. "It's totally a popularity contest, man," you'd say, as you hurled your petri dish across the room in disgust. "It sucks." How do you explain that to your family? How do you tell your Aunt Cloise, who helped you with your first elementary school science project, that you won’t be bringing home a Nobel Prize this year? I don’t think they give Nobel Participation Ribbons. As I write this, there are about eleven hours left until the announcement of the Peace Prize winner. Who will it be? Who’s done the most peaceful thing this year? I don’t really know. Bruce Willis maybe… After all, the guy attended the wedding of his ex-wife to Ashton Kutcher last week. That’s gotta be worth something. Still, the peace prize doesn’t seem important when I consider the potential for a Nobel Pizza Prize! That would be awesome! This year, of course, the prize would have to go to Pizza Hut, whose innovations in the field of Pizzology included Dippin’ Strips pizza and the Cheesy Twisted Crust pizza, which has cheese sticks for a crust! Pizza Hut deserves official worldwide recognition for this amazing achievement in saturated fat. So what am I going to do while I wait for the literature prize winner to be announced? Well, I could predict who it’s going to be, but I really have no idea what the Swedish Academy’s criteria are. Besides, the last good book I read was Darkness Falls by Geoff Johns and David Goyer, but it was published in 2002 and it’s a comic book about the Justice Society of America. I think the only time a comic book has won the Nobel Prize was Archie Meets the Punisher in 1994. I could start on my own literary work in hopes of scoring a Nobel prize next year. I’m thinking about a coming-of-age novel… with a twist. You see, in this bildungsroman, the protagonist is a talking polar bear who works for the DMV. His world is thrown into turmoil when his ballroom dancing partner (I’m picturing a Partridge Family-era Susan Dey type) mysteriously disappears the night before the Rose Bowl, and he’s forced to face his fears so that he can… ah, but that would be telling. I could memorize the names of all the past Nobel prize winners. That would be a cool trick. If I recited them all while flexing my double-jointed thumb, I could probably get on TV. I’m thinking small, of course. Guest spots and such. It probably wouldn’t land me a lead role in a procedural crime drama series. I could bake cookies to send to whoever wins. But what if I make cookies with M&M’s, and then the winner is from Austria, and it turns out that Austrians don’t eat cookies with M&M’s? That would be unfortunate, but I guess I could always eat the cookies myself. Say. Now there’s an idea… That’s what I’ll do-- cookies. Whew. It’s a relief to have a plan, especially one that involves cookies. So… who do you think will win the literature prize? More importantly, don't you love those Swedish Fish? Comments on this post are closed. |
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| Ryan Roe, for his work on "Benjamin." |
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| I couldn't tell that this was actually written by you until I got to "Aunt Cloise." Nice touch. |
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| Really? What was so different about it? Who did you think it was written by? |
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| JSA promotion is my favorite thing. I didn't think Helicobacter's new CD was that good. "Ulcer in the Alley" is still their masterpiece, if you ask me. |
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| You know Marshall actually ingested H. pylori as part of his research, so in that respect, if they open a Nobel category for M&M cookie baking, the ingesting of your cookies could make you famous. Just food for thought... |
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