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| Name: Ryan Roe Email: prawnrr-rmv@this.com-yahoo.com Position: Movie / Television / Comic Book / Trivia Geek View Ryan's Personal Profile |
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| This is a follow-up to this journal entry, which was a follow-up to this one. Read them before you read this one. I'll get to the thing in just a moment, but first a few notes. The cast for this film was as follows: Tom Visel as Dr. Gullet, Ryan Roe as Octavius Diabolique, Chris Reed as Art, Molly Baen as Ringa Andromeda, and every person we knew as the various background, incidental, and one-joke characters. You may notice that Ringa doesn't have much to say or do. I'm pretty sure that's because Tom and I, like Jerry and George, just weren't sure how to write for a woman. And yet, Molly drove a Suburban, which was the only car at our immediate disposal that was large enough to hold all four of us plus a cameraman. And now, here we go. ======================== (Art and Dr. Gullet go to the car outside Dr. Gullet’s place. Dr. Gullet gets in the passenger side, and Art gets in the back..) ART: So, is this your car? DR. G: No. (Ringa walks up and sticks her head in the window) RINGA: Can you give me a ride? DR. G: Is this your car? RINGA: No. DR. G: Can you drive? RINGA: I think so. DR. G: Hop in. RINGA: Okay, which one is the altimeter? Umm...hey, what does this button do? DR. G: NO! Don’t push it! Never ever ever ever push that button! (They go to the prison) Scene 4 (Sign at prison says: Pastelle Prison Be sure to visit out gift shop!) NARRATOR: Behold! The great prison of the Pastelle. Home to the world’s evilest, vilest rapists, killers, and chronic couch potatoes. Once a prisoner goes in, he never comes out alive and rarely does he escape dead. (There is a silence as that sinks in) NARRATOR: But the cook makes a pretty mean beef stroganoff. DR. G: Hello, we’re here to see Octavius Diabolique. GUARD: Do you mean Octavius Diabolique the evil, demented bloodthirsty serial killer or Octavius Diabolique the guy who steals road signs? DR. G: The, uh, evil, demented, bloodthirsty serial killer. GUARD: Alright, but I can’t let you right in. We recently had a nasty incident in which an visitor had his limbs hacked off. Before you can come in, you have to pass the security check. (He sniffs them all carefully.) GUARD: Okay, follow me. (They walk by several cells as the guard tells them what crimes the various inmates have committed.) RINGA: Excuse me, where’s the bathroom? GUARD: You go down to the tax fraud hall, make a left at the larcenist’s block, pass the row of serial killers till you come to the two doors, then you go straight, turn left, turn right, turn right again, turn left again, open the door marked “Employees Only,” turn around, pass three more doors, follow the Yellow Brick Road to the Blue Room, take a walk down Lonely Street, turn left, and it’ll be the second door on your right. Can’t miss it. RINGA: On second thought, where’s the nearest potted plant? (He hands her a plant and she walks off. Soon they come to Octavius’ cell. Octavius is staring at a pencil when they arrive.) OCTAVIUS: Do pencils have souls? DR. G: Yes. They have rubber souls. (No answer) Octavius. (No answer) Octavius, it’s me! (No answer.) Hey, OCTAVIUS! OCTAVIUS: Oh, I thought you were talking to the other Octavius Diabolique who beats up senior citizens. ART: Hi, I’m Arthur, but you can call me Art. OCTAVIUS: I’m Octavius, but you can call me Emperor Octa’buah’seem, Grand Sage of the Universe. (pause) Or Octavius would be okay too. DR. G: How’ve you been, Ock? OCTAVIUS: Well, if you forget the fact that I’ve been indicted for several murders, and ignore my being forced to live in this hellhole for the rest of my life, and if you overlook the fact that if I ever got out I’d have no kind of life at all...well, I’m just peachy! Actually, Dr. Gullet, I’ve been interested in taxidermy. ART: You didn’t tell me this guy drove a cab. OCTAVIUS: Yes, my mother who owns a hotel likes it too. M-mother likes it when I have h-hobbies. Ah, but doctor, I have had a dream. A recurring vision that comes to me in my sleep several times a night. ART: Sounds like my dream where I’m naked at a petting zoo. (The other two stare at him) Octavius tells them of the dream he has had, which is shown. In his dream, he is sitting on a rooftop, licking a can. A paper bag falls into his lap, and upon opening it he finds a rubber chicken. CHICKEN: When the moon has set on your oscillating fan, then is the time when you put on several sweaters and take the bus to your destiny. OCTAVIUS: What the heck is that supposed to mean? CHICKEN: It’s symbolic, you dummy! It means the time has come in your life when you must find companions, and fulfill that which you must do...kill...PAUL! OCTAVIUS: Oh. But wait, who’s Paul? I don’t know anyone named Paul... CHICKEN: Paul is— (He is cut off by a guy with a beard holding a candle singing.) Octavius’ meal is brought to him, and he offers it to Dr. Gullet. It’s a hamburger with a hand in it. DR. G: So we’ve got to get you out. But we need a plan... ART: What if we tear the roof off with a huge can opener, then use a giant vacuum cleaner to suck Octavius out of his cell? OCTAVIUS: No, you blabbering fool, that would never work...It would wake the guard. DR. G: I’ve got it. (They whisper amongst themselves.) Later that day, Art and Dr. Gullet go back to the prison. Art distracts the guard by acting like Marilyn Monroe and singing “Happy Birthday.” Dr. Gullet sneaks in and places explosives at the cell. Art cuts the throat of the guard. There is an explosion and they find that Octavius’ cell is still there. They cut the cell in half with a chainsaw. Just then, Ringa walks up. DR. G: Where have you been? RINGA: I don't know. Where have you been? (They spy a hot dog stand) DR. G: All this carnage and death makes me hungry. OCTAVIUS: Look! There’s a stand selling that most American of foods, the hot dog. VENDOR: Get your hot dogs! Get your hot dogs! OCTAVIUS: Yes, we’ll take 5 hot dogs, please, one for each. VENDOR: You wouldn’t believe how difficult it is to sell hot dogs around here. I used to sell Polish sausage, but then I found out what they are made of. Maybe being located in front of a maximum security prison wasn’t such a hot idea, at least for selling hot dogs. (Waves at hamburger man across the street, who is counting money.) VENDOR: But I don’t have that problem anymore, do I? RINGA: Pardon me, but what is your favorite means of transportation? VENDOR: What the heck are you talking about? RINGA: Well, you do in fact work at a hot dog stand, and I just figured that possibly you would prefer riding in a vehicle that moves slower than some of the faster, more common vehicles. (There is a very long and incomprehensibly funny awkward silence.) DR. G: Boy, I like hot dogs. ART: Do you have any ketchup, mustard, relish, mayonnaise, horseradish, worchestire sauce, Cheez Whiz, olive oil, whipped cream, now Cool Whip now, the real stuff. Thanks, thanks, thanks. (about to eat, looks at it.) ART: I’m not eating this! Cut! Cut! Bring in the stunt double. (Stunt double, who looks nothing like Art, enters, eats hot dog, and leaves. Art returns.) VENDOR:(reading a girl’s magazine.) So, will you people be paying by cash, check, credit card...(looks up to find they are gone) Hey, you hooligan kids, come back here! I’ll come after you and when I find you— (Holds up a fork, shakes it menacingly. Picks up phone) VENDOR: Hello, Secret Patriotic American Militia? MILITIAMAN:(At headquarters playing Candyland with long poles) Yes? VENDOR: I have a serious crime to report. This bunch of yellow-bellied, communist delinquents stole some weiners from me. MILITIAMAN: Weiners, sir? VENDOR: Yes, weiners. MILITIAMAN: (To militia men) Come on! Some guy just reported a pilfered weiner! MILITIAMEN: Do what, sir? MILITIAMAN: You heard me! MILITIAMEN: Do you think this is something we should be involved in? MILITIAMAN: I’m talking about hot dogs! Let’s go! (They run out the door. It's a closet. They run back out, and run out door) Super exciting chase scene: They go through the river. They get out and are in the city. They jump in a car and are listening to Tejano at a loud volume. They see a car following them (music changes), there is an exciting high speed chase. (Shots of speedometer rising, odometer changing, Ringa’s determined expression, strange zooms.) Ringa puts on sunglasses, followed by Dr. Gullet and Art, and Octavius puts on googly eye glasses. They get out of the car and run. They go through a door marked ‘Time Warp.’ There is a psychedelic sequence with strange lights and music. ==================== Will our heroes escape the Super Patriotic American Militia? The script was not finished, so we may never know ... A few more notes: The part of the jail was to have been played by the gate just outside the gym at our church. The song during the chase was going to be "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" by Blues Traveler. Super Patriotic American Militia was named because of the subtle joke inherent in its acronym. The part where the hot dog vendor laments his choice of location, then looks across the street at a hamburger vendor counting huge stacks of money, still makes me laugh. I have no idea who "Paul" was supposed to be, or whether we were actually going to kill him in the end, but that mission, which was to be the driving force behind the bulk of the film, was inspired by looking for story ideas in the Bible. Say, what do you think would have happened if Ringa had pressed that button? And that's it. My thanks to anyone who actually bothered to read any of this. Comments on this post are closed. |
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| I read it, Ryan, and I must confess that I didn't understand it. But was the walrus Paul? |
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