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| Name: Ryan Roe Email: prawnrr-rmv@this.com-yahoo.com Position: Movie / Television / Comic Book / Trivia Geek View Ryan's Personal Profile |
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| I'm posting a screeenplay I wrote with a friend of mine back in high school. Click here for words of introduction and explanation. ================================================= (part one) an unfinished screenplay by Tom Visel & Ryan Roe Before the introduction: First we see an old man rocking in a rocking chair. He rocks for several seconds, scratches himself, and continues to rock. He hears a rude noise, checks himself, looks around and then out the window. Then we see the title. NARRATOR: We now dubiously present our story. The following story takes place in the very same world inhabited by you and I, and your uncle Lenny who occasionally wears underwear on his head, but it takes place on a different plane-- or perhaps in a different time-- or on a different level of consciousness-- or maybe in another universe which does not actually exist, or mayhaps in-- oh, let’s just get on with the friggin’ thing! Title card in front of camera reads: “Starring the Great and Multi-Talented Chauncy Conrad as Mr. Fish.” NARRATOR(over shots of Art): This is Art Tranquill. He’s mute. He used to work for a singing telegram company, but that didn’t quite work. (Show Art unsuccessfully attempting to get a singing telegram delivered.) NARRATOR: He has a very deep, intense fear of elbows. Little does he know he is about to embark on a great adventure involving 2,000 chipmunks and a scrungee. (Shots of Dr. Gullet) This is Doctor Gullet. He’s a throat doctor, but not knowing the correct term for it, refers to himself as a laryngologist. He studied 8 years at medical school, and a day at the School of Balloon Animal Making. He used to be an antiseptic smell-tester, leaving him without a sense of smell. He is a closet member of the Cruton of the Month Club. (Shots of Ringa) This is Ringa Andromeda. How’s her driving? Call 1-800-555-6279. She’s a former rodeo clown who finds great pleasure in yodeling with lawyers. She was recently fired from her job at the factory where they make those little paper cones that snow cones come in. Her lifelong dream is to ride a pogo stick in Times Square. (Shots of Octavius) This is Octavius Diabolique. He’s a bit insane. He once killed a colored shirt by soaking it in water, then just watched it dye. I must say, he’s not very responsible. His eating habits are disgusting. He never has a very good personal appearance, and he has been known to lie, and he can’t ever remember where he put things, and he scares small children, and he-- OCTAVIUS:: Shut up!! NARRATOR: Also starring George Washington (show picture of Abraham Lincoln), Abraham Lincoln (show picture of George Washington), and featuring Mia Farrow as Dr. Moriarity.(show ham sandwich) Act One, Scene 1: A manly lady walks into a bathroom crying making nasal noises, carrying baby Sesame in an Easter basket. She puts the baby in the toilet, flushes and scuttles out. Immediately after, the princess walks in with a bloody hand attached to a sign reading “senseless, graphic maiming.” She goes to the 1st stall, screams, and runs out. (She has now lost the hand) The 2nd stall is locked, she tries to go under but hits her head and goes to the 3rd stall. At the 3rd stall she finds Sesame in the toilet (quite unexpected). She jumps up and down happily. PRINCESS: I’m a mother! I’m a mother! Santa got my letter! (She walks out, carrying the baby, and slips on the hand.) Scene 2: We see a man sleeping wearing a boa and a glittery plastic top hat. He wakes up suddenly and gropes for a sign, finding it, and holding it up. It reads “12 years later”. He clears his throat and says, “Hmm, Scene two.” [A man is screaming into a box] The scene is a large throne room. The queen is knitting some unseen object. Sesame comes in holding a _______. QUEEN: Hello, Sesame. Look what I made for you. (Holds up a cat) SESAME: Thank you, Mumsy. I’ve always wanted a dog. QUEEN:(gasps) Say, that reminds me. (claps, and a servant enters carrying a plate with a rubber chicken on it.) QUEEN: Forget that! Bring forth the messenger! (to son) You know, son, this is a very important time in your life, when your body goes through some changes. We have decided to... (Messenger is pushed in the room, and the door is shut behind him.) QUEEN: Tell the Royal Potty Trainer his presence is requested. SESAME:(excited) Oh, Mumsy! Do you mean it? QUEEN: Yes, son, and when you’re 32, we’ll teach you how to ride a bike. MESSENGER:(holds up sign reading:) “But there are evil savage bank tellers out there!” (He looks up and sees that he is now outside. A group of cowboys riding broomsticks with lassoes are chasing him, one has a snake. He hides by covering his head with a lampshade and they run by. Having lost them, he looks around with binoculars. A cowboy with a club raises up and starts beating him with the club. As he is about to be killed, a laryngologist comes over and makes weird faces and noises, scaring the cannibals away. He takes the messenger back to his office.) Scene 3: The same man from before scene 2 is taking a shower. When he realizes he is being filmed, he covers the top half of his body. He finds a sign that says: “In the laryngologist’s office.” He says, “Uh, scene three.” DR. G: Well, that was exciting. I’m Dr. Gullet, I’m a throat doctor, but laryngologist is so much more fun to say. Laryngologist. (silence) DR. G: Well, fine, don’t thank me. (silence) DR. G: Hmm. Well. So, where are you from? (Art taps morse code) DR. G: What? Sorry, I don’t understand... (Art does semaphore) DR. G: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. (Art points to city limits sign reading “Over Yonder Pop. 2700”) DR. G: Oh, so you’re from that town Over Yonder. I had an uncle in a sideshow there. Maybe you’ve heard of him-- the Perplexing Human Donut. He disappeared mysteriously a few years ago. The police said there was nothing they could do. Ah heh heh...(waits) Oh, yeah! You can’t laugh! How silly of me! Well, shut up and come with me. When you meet my wife, Mrs. Gullet, don’t say anything to embarrass her. She is a little bit chunky. She really hates it when people make remarks about it so just don’t say--oh, yeah.(snickers) (Mrs. Gullet is eating various food items, then begins eating other things such as stapler, paper, etc.) DR. G: Well, I guess I could operate on you so you can talk, and because I hate to see you cut off from the world, but mostly because I can’t stand pantomime. Are you, uh, insured? (ART nods. The wife is now eating everything, making loud eating noises.) DR. G: Just so you don’t sue me. Hmm. If you, eh, promise not to sue me if something goes wrong, don’t say anything. ART: I’ll have to ask my law-- oops. DR. G: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over (shouts) my loud obnoxious wife! (Looks at X-ray) DR. G: It seems you have what is called a “dialogue obstruction”; a rare complication due to uncreative writers. (They both grimace) DR. G: Well, let’s see... (the doctor looks around) It would appear I am without anesthetic. I’ll just... (wife lets out a loud, disgusting belch, Art goes under) DR. G: Oh! I see you’re one step ahead of me! All right...I’ll just...Okay, this must be...now the fork...grumble grumble...Woah! I hope that little fleshy thing wasn’t important. All right! That was one hell of an obstruction. If you’ll just look at all this... (Wife burps, picks her teeth) DR. G: Hmm. Uh, well, you are no longer ART the mute but now, ART the, uh... unmute...no, inmute...uh, ART the not kind of a mute type-person. ART(in a feminine voice): Thank you-- hey! What the— (Dr. Gullet hits Art in chest) ART:(Duck voice) Quack! Quack! DR. G: Did you say quack? ART: Quack! DR. G: I’ll have you know I’m a certified doctor! (Dr. Gullet hits Art in chest again) ART: Why, I oughta--! DR. G: Well, all that operating sure made me hungry! I’m going to find my friend OCTAVIUS: Diabolique. He always knows what to eat. ART: Where is he? (Sign in front of camera reads: WARNING: EXPOSITION AHEAD) DR. G: Prison. ART: Prison? DR. G: Prison. Something about subway workers turning up as Subway sandwiches. And then there were those English muffins made with real Englishmen. But then...ooh (shudders) ...he...I hate to think of it...he IGNORED THE FBI WARNING AND COPIED A VIDEOTAPE! And that’s when the men in pink showed up at his door. ART: The men in white. DR. G: Uh, actually they had washed their whites with their colors that week. So, now let’s take a nice little trip to prison. ART: Can I drive? DR. G: Why? ART: I want to use my new voice to yell obscenities at other motorists. (Mrs. Gullet runs at them yelling, “Food!” ) DR. G: Exuent! Exuent! (They run out. As they’re leaving, the I Don’t Get It Guy comes up.) GUY: I don’t understand this! What happened to that baby? Why was that guy mute? Where did that other guy get the X-ray? What does the wife have to do with anything? Why is he taking this guy to the prison with him? This doesn’t make any sense? And what about that hand? ========================================================== Click here for the exciting conclusion! Comments on this post are closed. |
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| I'm not sure I've ever read something quite so random or absurd. I chuckled at the ham sandwich, and at the "they had washed their whites with colors" line. And this would have been a nightmare to produce. More so than that play that my sister and I once wrote that had the characters eating tables. |
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| I finally remembered to read this. It's completely insane. Which, as always, means that I love it. :) It would have been a logistical nightmare. But I'm glad you saved it so we could read it. |
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| One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. " The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep." I cried from laughter Sorry, if not left a message on Rules. |
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