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| Name: Ryan Roe Email: prawnrr-rmv@this.com-yahoo.com Position: Movie / Television / Comic Book / Trivia Geek View Ryan's Personal Profile |
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| by Ryan Roe An action figure appears behind a toy microphone. This is the ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER It’s The Billy Show! Starring Billy! With Christopher and the Cool Band! And now, ladies and gentlemen, the boy who can almost touch his nose with his tongue… Billy! (The studio audience applauds and cheers as the band plays BILLY into the studio. The band consists of boy playing a kazoo, a girl banging toy cymbals together, and a boy blowing a whistle. The whistle-blower is CHRISTOPHER, the bandleader.) BILLY Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We got a great big show for you tonight. It’s, like, huge! So, this was in the news today… Scott Steitle was sent to the principal’s office for putting bubble gum in Kathy Sanders’s hair. Now there’s a good deal for Kathy, huh? Not only does she get to watch Scott get in trouble, she also gets some free gum! (Audience laughs.) BILLY Also, folks, I don’t know if you heard this or not… Jamie Allen announced during Show and Tell yesterday that his pet hamster, Pickles, died. (Audience: “Awww.”) BILLY Yeah. Yeah. So, Jamie buried Pickles in the backyard… and then his cat dug it up and ate it! (Audience: “Ewww!”) BILLY I don’t know, folks. I guess the cat just likes to eat Pickles! (Audience groans, though it’s obvious they found it funny.) BILLY Isn’t that crazy, Christopher? What do you think? CHRISTOPHER Well, I don’t think it’s true, Billy. BILLY No, it’s true! CHRISTOPHER Nuh-uh. Cats can’t dig things up. BILLY Yes-huh, they can! CHRISTOPHER We'll just have to agree to disagree. And ask my dad after the show. BILLY Okay, okay. Finally, folks, you may know this – Justin Stevens is moving away. We’re gonna miss him, but maybe at his new school he’ll make some new friends who don’t mind people who smell like real bad b.o.! (Audience cracks up, and applauds. The band plays Billy to his desk. When they finish, Billy addresses Christopher.) BILLY What’s up, Christopher? How’re you liking math these days? CHRISTOPHER Well, Billy, I sure don’t like fractions. BILLY Ooh, fractions. You know, I don’t know about you, but I think the guy who invented fractions should just stick his head in doo-doo. Am I right? (Audience applauds.) CHRISTOPHER You’re right, Billy! BILLY I mean, whoever he is, he deserves to smell my sister’s stinky socks. Yeah. Anyway, my first guest tonight is my friend Matthew. Come on out, Matthew! (The band plays as MATTHEW enters and sits in the guest chair.) BILLY How’s it going, Matthew? MATTHEW Fine, Billy. Well, it’s fine now… Earlier today my mom made me clean my room. BILLY Oh man, that’s rough. So Matthew, yesterday at lunch you put ketcup and mustard in your fruit salad… and ate it. MATTHEW Yeah I did. BILLY I think we have a clip of that, so let’s see that now… (We see a video clip of Matthew eating his disgusting concotion in the school cafeteria. The audience reacts accordingly.) BILLY Now, that’s really gross. But we were wondering – we have some stuff here… a carton of milk, a bottle of orange juice, and some barbecue sauce. Do you think you could put it all together and drink it? (Audience applauds.) MATTHEW Oh, I guess I could… (Audience cheers enthusiastically.) MATTHEW …if you dare me. BILLY Well, of course I dare you. Christopher, do you dare him? CHRISTOPHER Yeah. I dare him! MATTHEW Okay, here goes. (As the band plays a drumroll, Matthew mixes the stuff together and drinks it.) BILLY Matthew! That was so gross! Your mom’s gonna freak out! Matthew, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. (Applause.) BILLY My next guest is my teacher, Mrs. Bradley. Welcome to the show, Mrs. Bradley! (MRS. BRADLEY enters.) MRS. BRADLEY Hi, Billy! It’s great to be on your show! BILLY Thanks. Mrs. Bradley, you’ve recently been teaching us about how to write descriptive paragraphs. So what’s your next project? MRS. BRADLEY Next week we’ll be learning about writing persuasive paragraphs. BILLY Hmm. I’m not sure that’s a fun thing. You might have to persuade me! (The audience laughs.) BILLY Now, Mrs. Bradley, I heard something about you recently, and I have to ask you if it's true. MRS. BRADLEY Oh. Um, what’s that? BILLY Is it true… that your first name is Olivia? MRS. BRADLEY Where did you hear that? BILLY Katie Kendall's uncle works for your husband. MRS. BRADLEY Okay, okay... it's true. BILLY You heard it here, folks! Her name is Olivia! MRS. BRADLEY But you should still call me "Mrs. Bradley." BILLY Okay... I wouldn't want you to give me a frowny-face sticker! (Audience laughs.) BILLY So, Mrs. Bradley, are there any other exciting developments you'd like to tell us about? MRS. BRADLEY Hmm... I don't want to give away too much, but we might be taking a field trip next month, and I think you'll really like it. BILLY Can you give us a hint? MRS. BRADLEY I'd better not. BILLY Come on. The people want to know! (Audience applauds.) BILLY How about this... You tell me, and I'll be your best friend starting next Thursday. MRS. BRADLEY Next Thursday? Why not now? BILLY I'm Christopher's best friend until then. He gave me half an Oreo at lunch. Right, Christopher? CHRISTOPHER Yeah, and you took the half with all the white stuff! BILLY Hey, I bet we're going to the zoo. Right? MRS. BRADLEY I can't tell you. Sorry. BILLY Okay, I give up. But I bet it's the zoo. Well, we want to thank you for being on the show... Will you come back and join us next six-weeks? MRS. BRADLEY I'd love to. And before I go, I just want to say one more thing. BILLY What's that? MRS. BRADLEY Don't forget to bring markers and an empty milk carton to class tomorrow. BILLY Thanks. Mrs. Bradley, everyone! Now, my next guests have been practicing a lot to learn the song they're going to perform for us. You can see them live in the Christmas program in the cafetorium on December 16th. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome David Collins and Madison Turner! (The audience applauds. DAVID and MADISON sing.) DAVID Up on the housetop, reindeers paws... MADISON OUT COMES GOOD OL' SANTA CLAWS! DAVID Down through the chimney with lots of toys... MADISON ALL FOR THE LITTLE ONES, CHRISTMAS JOYS! DAVID & MADISON Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go? DAVID Um... down through the chimney -- no, wait. Um... umm... I don't remember how it goes! (David, panic-stricken, runs offstage.) MADISON UP ON THE HOUSETOP, CLICK CLICK CLICK! DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY WITH GOOD SAINT NICK! Hi, Mommy! BILLY David and Madison, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for them! (Applause.) BILLY Well, folks, that's the end of the show for tonight, 'cause it's my bedtime. But join us tomorrow when my guests will be Miss Christine the playground lady, Kevin and his real live pet snake, and a sixth grader! Good night, everyone, and Mom: Don't worry, I'll remember to brush my teeth! (Audience applauds, theme music plays, credits roll.) © 2007 Ryan Roe Comments on this post are closed. |
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| Awesome. |
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| You really should try to find an agent. This would actually work as a sketch on TV, I believe. By the way, I once ate dry dog food just so see what it tasted like, so if the Matthew role is available..... |
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| The Matthew character reminds me of the boy we had at our Logos table who put ketchup on everything, even his ice cream, and ate it. Was he your inspiration? I think his name was Daniel. And I think RoetheRev would be perfect in the Matthew role. Unless you asked him to eat Spam; he won't do it, even with ketchup on it. |
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| I'd eat dirt if they put enough ketchup on it. No, wait. That's Louis. http://books.google.com/books?id=1MXhEHQhRfMC&printsec=frontcover#PPA116,M1 |
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