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I spend a lot of time online. I don’t mean waiting in a queue, because only weirdos call that “on line.” I mean connected to the so-called internet. In case you’ve never heard of the internet, it was invented by Al Gore for the purpose of—wait a minute… if you’ve never heard of the internet, how the heck could you be reading this?!!
There was a time when I only got online once a week, back in the days when my family had America Online. I could actually spend one hour on one day per week and get everything done that I wanted to, whether it was e-mailing a friend in Michigan, playing a round of an AOL game, or downloading that picture of Teri Hatcher wrapped in Superman’s cape.
Over the years, my usage has increased considerably. Currently, if more than a day goes by that I don’t get online at all, it usually either means my connection isn’t functioning, or I’m in an isolated igloo somewhere in the isolated redwood forests of Africa.
I got a lot of books for Christmas. They were added to a pile I have, an actual physical pile, of Books I’m Going to Read. At present the pile is thirteen and a half inches high. I measured. It includes all kinds of stuff, from What Would Buffy Do? The Slayer as Spiritual Guide to Man’s Search for Meaning to Harpo Speaks! I am always reading a book at any given time, but lately I’ve noticed I don’t zip through books as fast as I used to, and the reason is clear: There’s a parasitic creature in my head, sucking my brain power.
Okay, okay. The real reason is that, instead of spending time with my nose in a book, I spend a bunch of time with my nose in a Mozilla Firefox window. Instead of whiling away the hours by expanding my mind, I while them away with the bloops and bleeps of AOL Instant Messenger.
So I’ve decided to see if I can go a week without getting online at all. It won’t be easy… I like to keep up with my e-mail (in fact, I’m checking it in another window as I type this). There are a few people on my Instant Messenger buddy list—mine is called a “Ladies and Germs” list—whom I talk to primarily using that program.
And then there are the websites… What if, during my no-internet week, I suddenly find it very important to know what TV shows Austin Pendleton has guest starred on? I won’t be able to check IMDb to find out. What if I get the sudden urge to poke Alex in the eye, or command the Subservient Chicken to stand on one leg? Also, there’s a message board where I frequently post, so I’ll miss the goings-on there, which may or may not include messages linking my name and the word “Underoos.”
But if I’m going to do it, I’m going to really do it. So I will start the week this coming Wednesday, March 9th, at 12:01 AM. If I happen to be talking to somebody on AIM when the clock strikes 12:01, my modem will turn into a pumpkin and I’ll have to just sign off without saying goodbye.
I’ll keep notes about any withdrawal I experience. By the fifth day or so, I may be so desperate I’d even settle for WebTV. After the week is over, I’ll come back here and post another journal about how it went, whether I cheated, etc. At least, that’s the plan. It’s possible that the week will lead me to conclude I don’t need to spend any time online, and I’ll never use the internet again! This may be my last journal ever! In case it is, I recommend that everyone print it, and put it in your scrapbook next to the final Bringing Up Father comic strip.
Comments on this post are closed. |
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| You'll notice I didn't capitalize the word "internet." At present, there doesn't seem to be a standard as to whether the "i" should be big or little. It seems to me that since nobody owns it and it's not anyone's name, there's no need to capitalize. If you feel differently, I'd be interested to hear Why. |
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| He's actually going to do it. I mean, I could spend a week without internet if I was on vacation or just in some place that didn't have internet, but I couldn't imagine doing so in the comfort of my own apartment. You're a brave man. |
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Yes, what Carolyn said. You're a far braver man than I am. (far more brave?)
And when you get back, you and I should have a long talk about TV and comics. That would be a nice change of pace. |
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You'll get your comeuppance. I'm going to post a reference to the Ryan Roe Underoos after each time Mark mentions the Living and Learning Center. You'll never be able to find them all!
As you may or may not have noticed, I tend to capitalize the Internet. No word yet as to Why. |
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| I say thank goodness!! Finally I get some online time!! Sure you don't want to extend this to like a month..or more?! :-) |
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Ha! I was afraid the journal would make me sound too freaky, with the spending of so much time online. Instead I get comments from people amazed that I could even try to spend *less* time online.
By the way, I'm feeling increasingly certain that I'll just end up playing my new Super Mario Sunshine game for GameCube to fill the void. |
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| "A message board where I frequently post"? The Subservient Chicken got a name-check and a link, and the message board doesn't get mentioned by name? What, are you ashamed of us? Fine, stay offline if you want to. Enjoy your crappy Buffy book. |
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Danny, anyone could command the chicken and get some jollies from it, but very few people are cool enough to appreciate the Tough Pigs forum, for Muppet Fans Who Grew Up, which is located at http://forums.delphiforums.com/toughpigs/start
There. Happy now? |
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| Hey, Erin stole my line. That's what I was going to say. Well, not exactly, maybe, but I was going to say something like, "Yea, now I'll actually be able to get on the internet & see what all the hub-bub is about." Thanks, Aunt Carol! |
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You are on an internet which also happens to be the Internet. That's its name.
I'm iffy on capitalizing Web, though. If we're going to enforce "Web page", then we need a more generic term for pages which are not a part of the Web. |
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Someone once complained about the use of the word "internets," saying that there was only one internet, and any plural use of the word was incorrect. But there are at least two major internets currently in use, "Internet" and "Internet2". I'm sure there are other minor internets, as well.
In 'Deus Ex,' everybody is on "Internet3," which is basically a big distributed supercomputer, very similar to Sony's Cell project. If Deus Ex is a prophecy, then the Playstation 3 will lead to Sony's global domination, and nano-tech virii will threaten humanity. Thank you, Sony.
It seems that there are several Internet3 initiatives. I personally won't mind staying on Internet1 if we get it moved to IPv6 (which Internet2 is already running). Then my toaster can have its own static IP address. |
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| Man, that would be so sweet. Then you could make toast from I don't know...Portugal or somewhere. |
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Portugal... Making toast down South America way, eh?
I don't know that I've heard anyone complain about use of the word "internets," but I know there were many who made fun of our president for using the word during one of the 2004 debates.
By the way, I'm back online. |
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